Joy in the Journey

I’m sitting here with my laptop at a doctor’s appointment for Brother.

I brought my laptop because I usually end up waiting in the room with my kids for about an hour.

During that hour I am always thinking, “there is so much I could be doing right now and all I can do is sit here in this little blue room until the doctor comes in to see us.

I had to bring Sister with me today too.

She wasn’t happy about that. Not necessarily about having to come with me, but more the fact that I took her from a video she was watching at school.

When I walked into her classroom to get her I was so impressed to see her sitting independently in a chair while watching a movie. I can’t get her to do that at home. I keep trying to sit down with my kids to watch a movie, but it never happens. Sometimes Baby will sit in my lap if she is tired enough. Sister doesn’t usually last longer than 15 minutes, no matter how amazing the movie. Brother typically won’t watch anything that he didn’t choose himself.

Anyway....

(time-passing-collage in fuzzy pictures with music playing the day through, until...)

That's all of what I wrote before the doctor came in.

They found a little entertainment to keep them happy. 

I only waited 40 minutes this time.

This time, though. it was the appointment that seemed so long. There were a lot of questions from the doctor and a lot of long, explanatory answers from me. In talking to the doctor I began realizing how tough life is for Brother and how much I wish I was better at all that I could do to help him.

I had a conversation with someone recently and we were talking about babies and all the stuff that comes along with it. It was mentioned the possibility of this person having a child with special needs and the blessing it would be in their lives.

I don't know, really, what to say to that anymore.

I don't feel like a special mom for having special needs children.

I don't feel like I have more or better blessings than other moms in the world.

I do feel that all mothers feel that their children, no matter what condition they are in, are the greatest blessings they could ever have.

I do feel like raising my children is more of a challenge than others' until I talk to others who have gone through having a child or children with mental illness, fears, addictions, obsessions, quirks and uncontrollable fears.

I do feel like my children are a blessing, but it is hard, sometimes, to see all of it as a blessing.

The true blessing of having children with special needs doesn't just come with the child. I know that that seems like the prettiest fairytale.

The truth is having children with special needs does bring blessings, but you have to stay strong enough to recognize them, embrace them and grow with it. It is up to us, as parents to allow them to bless our lives even when our lives seem too hard to endure through.

The truth is having children with special needs doesn't automatically make you a special parent.

I think we, as humans, compassionate and optimistic humans, always want to have some way of saying, "What you are dealing with is so hard!" and the only way they can say, "I don't want to have to do that because it looks too hard for me," is to say "you are so blessed!"

All parents are blessed.

All of them.

Just some of us have some extra challenges along the way and choosing to see those challenges as blessings is exactly that... a choice.

Sometimes I struggle to make that choice.

Sometimes I just want to scream and yell, "I can't do this anymore! I am not good at this! I am inadequate!"

Then something great happens like a special hug, a certain request voiced in audible words, or seeing your kids enjoy a good joke and suddenly you remember the blessings again.

We can't run from what our lives are, but we sure can run with it and keep moving forward.

I am choosing, consciously, to recognize the blessings of having special needs children in my home.

My UP today is that I am finding joy in the journey!

Day 134 of 365 Days of Up