Thursday, March 22, 2018

I don't know... Nope. Definitely not. Did not see that one coming... (Day 2)

"You're going the wrong way, mom!!!!"

"That's the wrong way!! No, Mom! The wrong way!"

Dream sequence fog glitters in and out...

Practice for the Cheer Competition was Friday morning.

Brother and I had talked about it several times; me asking if he wanted to go support the girls and him giving a bashful "no" or a shy "I don't know."

"I don't know."

That phrase should have been my cue.

But, I wasn't really sure if he should go either so I really took his "I don't know" as just that... that he wasn't sure either.

Usually, well, mostly, OK... 98 percent of the time when Brother says, "I don't know," it means "yes."

This took many, many trials of seeing him fall apart for me to realize that "I don't know" was actually his way of saying "yes" when he felt pressure to have an answer but wasn't sure if "yes" was going to be taken positively so saying, "I don't know," left room for him to excuse himself from any embarrassment of being told, "no."

Here's an example in case none of that paragraph made sense.


Me: Do you want to got bowling with Lauren?

Brother: I don't know.

Me: OK, that's great because she'll be here in 15 minutes.


Brother says, "I don't know," because that way if my answer was, "Well, I'm sorry, but you can't got bowling with her today," he can more easily dismiss his embarrassment to the opposite reaction he was hoping for.

So, keeping that translation in mind you can decipher what was really being said when we discussed Brother going to practice with the girls to get ready for competition on Friday morning...


Me: Brother, you understand that you are here to support your cheer team for their competition, right.

Brother: Ya.

Me: Would you still like to go watch them practice and show support?

Brother: I don't know.

Me: They'll be meeting in the morning to walk over together. Should we go with them?

Brother: I don't know.


Well, I try really hard to be the best judge I can in all circumstances with our kids and even though I have been doing this for 18 years I still make mistakes all the time.

Welcome to motherhood.

After seeing how long it took for him to calm down from the day at Disneyland and considering how late he finally fell asleep, I didn't have the heart to stir him from his snoring/drooling/floppy-faced slumber when I woke for breakfast that morning. I thought he really needed his rest. So, I took a risk and left him alone sleeping in the room while I went downstairs to bring up a plate of breakfast for him and me. I had gotten there so close to the end of breakfast time that there wasn't much to choose from, but it helped make the selection quicker so I could run back to our room.

He was still snoring and drooling with his arm dangling lifelessly from the edge of the bed, which was a relief that all was still as I had left it. I tried several times to wake him gently, but it finally took physically flipping him over to get him to stir.

He was happy with the bacon I had scavenged for him from what remained at the bottom of the serving tray and the hash browns too.

Again, about 30 minutes before the team was going to be gathering for their walk to practice, I asked Brother if he wanted to go support his team at practice, but this time I threw in, "or do you want to just sit here and watch Disney channel?"

The Disney Channel.

Also known as the nail in my coffin.

Practice was at 10:30 am and everyone was going to be meeting up for a team lunch at 2:00.

I figured I'd give ourselves plenty of time to make the 10 minute walk to the restaurant in case he wanted to stop and check anything out along the way or whatever... Honestly I was just so happy with how well he had done the day before that I was totally looking forward to spending time with just him. Marc or I don't ever get one on one time with Brother because... well... we're mom and dad... we don't fit in his category of "friends." Mom and Dad are just that, mom and dad. We are his home base, his comfort zone, his go-to when times are rough, his meal ticket, his life support, his home. So this opportunity to be with him on this walk one-on-one was a treat for me and I was excited about the possible bonding that might happen on this short walk to lunch.

So at 1:00 Brother and I were ready to walk over to meet up with the team for lunch. We would be walking the point six mile stretch to the entrance of Disneyland and then down the main street between the parks to get to the restaurant we were to meet at.

I should have been ready for the catastrophe that was about to ensue when once we got to the hotel lobby Brother began looking around and asking where his friends were.

"They went to practice earlier. Remember?" I stated cautiously.

He looked slightly disgusted by this announcement and frustrated with me for not meeting with everyone in the lobby to walk together.

When we exited the front doors, I sensed his panic heighten. We were no more than eight feet from the entry when he yelled, "Judy's little girl!" but this time it was not followed by a giggle or half smile. He was mad.

I had my maps on so that I would know how to get to the rendezvous point and saw another route that might be a little faster so I hesitantly turned right and walked a few feet and realized that this plan would not work and that we would need to take the same route we had the day before, you know, for routine's sake.

I'm not sure if I had continued to go right and just bluffed my through that it would have changed the course of what was about to ensue, but I chose to go to the left as we had done the first day.

"You're going the wrong way, mom!!!! That's the wrong way!! No, Mom! The wrong way!"

I'm starting to see my mistake and understanding that we should have gone to the practice that morning, but it was too late now and all I could do was let his anxiety yell at me until it would calm enough to walk in the direction I was suggesting—left.

I saw a young family walk past us in a rush as they could see that Brother was about to lose his top and his long arms flailing at me and his strong cheering voice yelling at me was giving all the passersby no inclination that he was having a good time.

Then he bolted.

Unexpectedly.

I did not see that one coming.

He runs a little like a puppet controlled by strings that are too long for full control and yet it is truly amazing at how fast he can move!

Especially when it is looking like he has no intention of stopping at the crossway of heavy traffic!

I panicked.

The over-the-top-mother came out in my head and I was picturing him running aimlessly into the traffic!

I was trying to keep my cool as much as I could while worrying about the safety of my son and trying to run while my ankle (healing from surgery) is still trying to figure out how to walk briskly, let alone run.

"Stop!!!" I screamed.

"Stop!!"

I was grateful when he seemed to notice the few people waiting there at the crosswalk and he stopped because they were stopped, definitely not because I asked him to.

He was still yelling/screaming at me and as soon as one desperate person trying to flee this strangers rants put one foot off the curb, Brother was running maniacally across to the adjacent sidewalk.

I hurried to catch up with him.

At this point I'm not sure if I am crying or if the breeze from running is irritating my eyes, but I can feel the tears streaking over my eyelids and into my smile lines (yup, smile lines, that's what they are). I start dabbing at my eyeliner in hopes that while chasing and being yelled at by my son that I'm not looking like some kind of nightmare to the passersby.

Then he suddenly and completely, randomly runs from the sidewalk off the curb to the side of the busy street! There was a car passing by right at that time and I'm not sure who was more scared, me or the driver of that car. It didn't look like a good situation even if it wasn't intentional... and I'm pretty sure it wasn't, but terrifying nonetheless. I think he was just fleeing from me and really didn't pay attention to the fact he had just almost darted onto the road.

I screamed, "NO! Stop!" again and that was not a good idea, I knew I had to gain control of my emotions so that I could be completely calm and, in turn, have him deescalate or even start to enjoy our walk together.

He kept yelling at me. We even scared a homeless man that was at the corner asking for handouts. He didn't even try asking us to give him anything, but you could tell he was nervous about the situation heading his way and couldn't decipher if he should try to help me or the young man who was yelling at me.

Now I can say, "Hey, you know it's bad when you scare a homeless man!"

A lot of things that I am not going to give detail to at this time, but let's just say that my eyes were stinging with tears and eyeliner.

I felt helpless. I finally thought to call Brother's coach, Debi to quickly and quietly describe the situation and see if there were anywhere near where Brother and I were at that moment. They were still too far away and were actually approaching the restaurant completely from the other side.

I cut the phone call short when Brother, once again, had put himself in a dangerous situation.

It had been about 45 minutes of constant nightmarish chaos causing dirty looks, scared faces and complete confusion/concern and my dream of bonding with my son on a walk was now long forgotten.

I was trying to keep the flood gates of my tears closed so that while trying to get Brother safely to the restaurant I didn't make a really bad situation look even worse.

Not only was I now staking claim on the Homeless man too scared of us, but now I can say that Disneyland security guards and their dogs would come near us to assess the situation, but seemed to be catching on that Brother had some special needs going on and would cautiously and slowly leave.

NOTICE:
I am going to insert something here. I know that you mean well, but if you are one of those people who wants to say, "Well, it sounds like a typical 18-year-old boy who doesn't want to be with his parents," just don't even let it come out of your mouth. You can think it, but please don't say it out loud unless your typical adult son has acted out his feelings about not wanting to be with you like a toddler would then you cannot possibly think that saying "he's acting like any other 18-year-old" could ever make me feel better or add any less stress to the situation. I am laughing about bits and pieces here and there, because I have to laugh to stay sane, and frankly there are always funny things, but don't belittle the situation by saying that it was no big deal.
NOTICE OVER.

To be honest there were a few times that I almost stopped the security officer on purpose to ask for help in getting my son to our meeting point. I was desperate and just wasn't sure I was going to make it.

I'll now skim past the pouting, hiding, screaming, raging, darting, and stopping to get to the point of the security check at the entrance.

Surprisingly he was starting to calm down at this point. This spot must have seemed more familiar to him and he was feeling safer in the "routine" he was remembering from the day before. Debi called at this time and I was talking to her and Brother continued to calm even more as he was reassured in hearing her voice saying that we were heading in the right direction. He was starting to notice Minnie Mouse and other characters in the store fronts and that was a very good sign that his anxiety was starting to take a break.



My tears had dried and I could only imagine what my face looked like from all the eyeliner and mascara I had put on to help the selfies I was hoping to take with my son on our fantastic walk to Disneyland that morning. Don't worry, I didn't get any pictures, but when we walked past the LEGO store Brother was calmed down enough that I, at least, got some photos of the cool structures built out of LEGO bricks. I tried to cheer Brother up by offering to take a picture of him with Belle and the Beast in LEGO form, but he yelled, "Judy's little girl!" and darted from me... so I just got the sculptures.







As soon as we reached the restaurant I started to cry again. Out of relief that it was over I guess.

One of Brother's teammates who has Down Syndrome was already there with her parents and Brother was happy to see them and start socializing with them. I was completely distraught to here that they too just hung out at the hotel that morning and walked to the restaurant not too long before we did. My heart ached that if I had just reached out to them, the whole fiasco would have been avoided because Brother would have been walking with friends.

Sigh.

Here's a pretty picture of the fish tank at the restaurant entrance though...



Lunch tasted very good, but conversation was tough as I was trying to explain what had happened with the walk there to the coaches and parents without succumbing to tears and feelings of inadequacy for raising Brother, again, I just have to mention that I had no idea what my face looked like after the waterworks and wind and stinging eyes from irritation of too much make-up... (and trust me, when I did get back to the hotel and had the chance to look at myself in the mirror, I had to laugh hysterically at myself because it looked like I had 3 painted black stripes running vertically up my eyelids with reddened puffiness at the bottom and grayish substance gathering the smile lines with raindrop shapes stretching out to me hair line! Trust me! It was a sight to behold. I am truly amazed at the strength of the other adults to not say a word about how I looked, but I also made sure to get after them for not telling me. Ha ha ha ha ha!)

Anyway, after lunch I had vowed that I would NEVER go anywhere on this trip unless Brother and I were with his coaches, Debi and Abby. So on our way back to the hotel to get ready for competition we made sure to stick by their sides.

Of course when we walked back by the LEGO store he just had to get a picture with Belle and the Beast with his coaches. (heart)


Looking at him in this picture you would never guess at what the previous two hours had held.

I made sure to help Brother feel involved by coming with me to help braid girls' hair for the competition. He was happy to be with them and I was happy that he was too.

Brother walked in with the team to the competition and my heart sank just a little bit as I realized that I was walking into a competition only to watch my son be a spectator, but I had talked to him about being the best spectator possible.

And he was!

He even got to be in the team picture they took before the competition!




He's down there at the bottom of the mats cheering loud and clear for his friends. 

He was so happy for them. It really was fun to watch!

After their performance we waited for the results.




We were all a little disheartened to hear that we didn't place in the preliminaries to be able to go to the finals the next day.

In my heart and Brother's, though, Orem High School Cheer Squad will always be the best of the best, number one, top of the crop!


Brother was so proud to have his picture taken on the stage!


I asked Brother if he had fun and 
he grinned and jumped and yelled excitedly, 
"YES!"

No "I don't know" was needed this time! 
He was positive what my response would be.

It was all worth it.

Monday, March 19, 2018

First Ever Trip to Disneyland and Cheer Competition (Day 1)

It was about 4:00am, "I forgot his I.D.!"

I said this loudly in the back seat of our friends' Surburban as I was trying to figure out why I felt like I was forgetting something.

We were only 15 minutes away from the airport and we were now 45 minutes away from home and I have just realized that I forgot that my son is now 18 years old, and therefore needs to have an I.D. to fly on an airplane...

(sound of a record screeching to a halt)

Brother and I were on our way to Disneyland with his cheer squad for cheer competition nationals.

Neither one of us have ever been to Disneyland!

Ever!

I'm 41 and never been to Disneyland!

Brother is 18 and never been to Disneyland.

And now he had no I.D.

Seems like such a simple thing for me to remember.

Part of my forgetfulness may have been partly related to my extreme excitement to go to a place I've dreamed of going for almost my whole life, but I think it's mostly because I've never traveled alone with one of our kids and especially not on a plane so as confident as I felt there is definitely a reason that Marc is my other half... he remembers most of what I forget.

So at 4:15am I called Marc to wake him from his sleep to ask him to take photos of Brother's birth certificate, social security card, school I.D. and our certified letter of legal guardianship. I figured that something was better than nothing.

Brother was already pretty amped up about his first time to Disneyland which also lends itself to helping his anxiety levels to be either high or ready to explode so the fact that his mom had forgotten something this important, and he could tell how important it was by the tones we were all using to talk about it, he was on the verge of explosion.

We got our bags checked in.

Then we were on our way to TSA checkpoint to get to our flight.

"Umm, so, umm, ya, my son has special needs and I am new to this whole 18 year old son scenario and legal guardianship thing and I totally wasn't thinking and forgot his I.D." I was slightly leaning in with a loud whisper in the TSA employee's ear because I didn't want to cause a scene, draw attention to Brother or cause Brother to start screaming at me in a tight-spaced, high emotion, hurried environment, "I have pictures my husband sent me of his Birth Certificate, Social Security..."

That's where she stopped me and slightly perturbed asked, "Do you have any physical copies with you ma'am. We cannot accept photos of the documents."

I was about to feel my heart sink when Brother began to get riled and yelling at me for messing up and his physical aggression was teetering on making an appearance.

I asked the employee if there was anything I could do so that we wouldn't miss our flight that was going to take us to the land of pure happiness and joy.

She was very kind and I could see she was being especially careful in her wording now as she was becoming aware of the situation that we were facing with an over-anxious, 18-year old, 6 foot 2 inch tall man in our presence, "Oh, it's totally going to be fine. We just need to pull in someone who will verify your ticket information and make a few phone calls to get you through."

She ushered Brother and I aside so that we would not hold up the line of ever collecting people who were already huffing at my stupidity holding them from getting where they needed to go.

As we stood there waiting Brother made sure to throw in a few jabs at me now and then to release his anxiety and make sure that everyone knew this was all my fault.

Then the TSA manager came.  The lady who had been helping us then turned to explain the situation and the manager quickly looked over at Brother and asked, "When did you turn 18?"

Brother froze in fear so I leaned forward to prompt him and nothing came out of his mouth so this time I repeated her question a little louder. Still no answer so I prompted him. He repeated the month and day, each after I said it first. The manager smiled and said, "They're good."

And there it was! We were on the other side of the turn-thingy that you have to walk through.

Now on the hour and a half flight to LA.

I made sure to pack Brothers High School Musical microphone, that has been his constant companion since age 10, and his iPod.

The plane was mostly full of our cheer team and some other local cheer teams and parents so I wasn't too concerned about his dramatic singing to entertain his friends and fellow cheer squad member with his renditions of various Shania Twain songs. He had most of us giggling and/or singing along as his antics got bigger and better.

He wasn't sitting by me.

Of course not.

He's 18. He's NOT going to sit by his mom like he's on the 3rd grade field trip.

So he had already planned with some of his friends from cheer that he would sit with them.

I sat behind him so that I wouldn't miss too much of the joy of watching him socialize on his terms or be able to quickly intervene if he decided to fall apart or something.

See, the saga of me screwing up and forgetting his ID and such now seems to be forgotten

He was far from that though. He loved sitting by his friends. I loved sitting behind them.

I listened to Brother being social, making jokes and giggling profusely when they said something funny.

Then it came time to land.

Brother threw his arms up as the wheels were touching the ground and squealed with complete and udder delight, "This is so much fun!!!!!!" Then he squealed, inaudibly, a few more excited words in the high-pitched excitedness and everyone began to celebrate with him and laugh and laugh and laugh. Lucky for me one of his team members got the last squeals on video! We all took turns watching it because it would bust us up every time.

inside LAX waiting for his teammates' baggage


And so it was going to begin. I knew that if he was this excited about a plane landing then Disneyland was going to blow him out of the water.

I had it all planned out. I may have forgotten his I.D. but I had made sure to have a plan of how to document Brother's every shout of glee and every shiver of excitement by having my portable iPhone chargers at the ready, my awesome just-got-it-for-Christmas-from-my-husband-bluetooth-selfie-stick ready for the epic filming that was about to go on. None of these fantastic moments were going to be missed. Especially because it was both of our first times to be there so it just had to be documented the right way.

"Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am! You can't take that selfie stick into Disneyland! They aren't allowed. They'll just take it from you and throw it away."

I slowly lowered my selfie-stick and my self confidence after filming an epic entry to the entry of the entry of the entry of the Disneyland entrance.

Well, I thought it was the happiest place on earth until that moment.

My plans of documenting me and my son walking into Disneyland for the first time ever together was now floating down the drain of forgotten dreams and broken Mickey Ears.

I picked my confidence up off the brick-laden walk-way to the gate of security, asked that the coaches and girls he loved would take him through to Disneyland without me so as to prevent another anxiety ridden experience for Brother and then trek the point six miles back to our hotel to rid myself of the heathen selfie stick, then trek back the point six miles to Disneyland selfie stickless so I could enter and, at least eat my first Disneyland lunch with my son for our first time.

Luckily, my arm works as a pretty decent selfie stick and I was able to film myself entering the magical kingdom by myself. I was pretty much in tears on the inside, but kept it together on the outside when I got excited about seeing Chip and Dale and Goofy pretty much right off the bat.

As I walked up the street of the famous Disney Castle I admit that my heart was a little low knowing that I had missed this exciting moment with Brother.

I had finally reached the destination that he was at with his friends for lunch, The Jolly Holiday Cafe.

There he was happily waiting for me with 3 of his teammates with a big grin on his face, excited anxiety in his eyes, and overstimulation on his face. I held back the tears as, unknown to anyone else around him, saw that this experience was tough for him, but he was holding it together. I was proud of him and I was sad for him too.

I asked his teammates if they would sit with him a little longer while I got us some food.

When I went in I wasn't shocked by the food prices because I had been warned, but I was more worried about the fact there was really nothing at that café that Brother would eat... oh boy...

Then I saw the Chicken and Green Apple salad! Ta da! Brother and I would share lunch, he would eat the apples and chicken and I would eat the salad. It was perfect and Brother's worried face calmed when he saw I had brought out two things he really loved to eat.

Sitting on the patio of the Jolly Holiday Café

The picture I took to prove that I had, indeed, found something Brother would eat


Then it was on with the itinerary of the day. Thursday was team day and we all stuck together in a group for all the rides and meals. Brother was very happy about this arrangement since he lives to be with his cheer friends and beloved coaches.

Our first stop was the Indiana Jones Ride!

Brother with Gray and her mom getting ready to enter the Indiana Jones Ride

This pic makes me laugh because I didn't even notice that my had was covering Brother's face! Ha! Ha! 
His happy face while waiting in the Disneyland lines!

Still, one month later, Brother says that Indiana Jones was his favorite ride. I think partly because it was his first ever ride in Disneyland, but also, it was really fun! Brother's favorite part was the "drops." That's how his assistant coach, Abby, would explain if the rides were scary or not and Brother took this to heart for every ride after that. He would turn to Abby and ask, "Are there drops?" whenever we were going to go on another ride. So Indiana Jones was his "first drop," therefore his most memorable one.

Pirates of the Caribbean was right up there on the nostalgia meter for me and for Brighton and we giggled and cheered for all the awesome moments along the way. It was truly magical!

showing that he is as tall as the doorway to the Pirates ride...
I was always able to find him because of his height compared to the rest of the crowd.

Brother wanted to be by his friend, Gray's side (her name has been changed for this since I didn't ask permission to use it) the entire time, yet also wanted the companionship and love of his coaches, Debi and Abby. So he would do everything Gray wanted to do, yet always had to have Debi and Abby with him for the ride. I learned this the hard way when we were about to get on the Thunder Mountain Ride. He wanted to go all the way up until the very last moments before getting on and then he wouldn't get in the car with me and was making quite a scene in which I wasn't helping because I thought if I pulled him into the car he would move past his anxiety for that moment like he usually does, but he made it look like I was trying to kidnap him and then frantically ran back to sit by Abby a few cars behind us. So, in order to not look too creepy I sat alone in the car I was standing dumbfoundedly in and hung on for dear life. Did I mention I don't like rides. At all. Oh boy, I think it was only my embarrassment that kept me from "Code V" which is what I hear is Disney term for "vomit."




I tried to get pictures of the group together, but I never got them all in one shot, but at least we have some.

Waiting for our turn to ride the steam train to the other side of the park for the Space Mountain ride.
He's pointing at me saying, "Judy's little girl!"
That line became his go-to phrase for me whether it was for insult or giggles.

In case you forgot, or didn't know, Brother LOVES trains, especially steam trains so this little gem that would take us to the other side of the park was quite a highlight for Brother.

posing for his photo op with the steam train

We had a LONG wait for the train so Brother made himself comfortable 
Brother and Gray showing me how tired they are while waiting for the train.

going through the tunnels was a big highlight

My next life lesson came when we got in line for the Space Mountain ride. We had been a little behind the group since Brother was wanting to be with his coaches and we had taken a little restroom detour. When we got to our spot in line Brother wanted to be with Gray WAY ahead in line with some of the group that had gotten there earlier and just he just HAD to be up with them. So, we jumped up in line to be with Gray and the others.

The line for Space Mountain was so loooong! Looking behind us where we were in line I realized that it would be at least 45 minutes before the coaches and the others in their group would even be to the same place as us.

As we approached the entrance of the actual ride and not the entrance of the entrance of the entrance of the line of the entrance of the line to wait to get to the entrance I started to pick up on the fact that Brother kept looking behind us. It wasn't until we got all the way to the actual stairway entrance of the ride that I was rudely awakened to my ignorance that he was looking for his safe person, Abby, to be there to ride with him, but she was, at least, 45 minutes behind us. Brother was in complete panic mode. He was melting... that's the best way to describe it all in just one word... melting... for the length of the post I will leave that to your interpretation.

There was no way he was going to get on this ride.

But, I also found out there was no way he wasn't going to go on this ride.

The cast members running the ride were so kind to us and were very understanding and accepting of out situation and allowed Brother and I to stand out of the way near the exit wall. A couple of the cast members came to check up on us a few times to assess the situation and I just explained that he was too scared to go on the ride without his friend, Abby, and that he wanted to wait for her even though she was so far behind. I'm actually not sure how long we waited, but, to me, it seemed like and eternity as I watched Brother's anxiety levels spike and endured barrages of insults and name calling being spurted out by his anxiety.

Poor guy. I felt so sorry for him. A grown man he looks to many, yet falling apart like a toddler. I could tell he was embarrassed, yet couldn't get it under control. My heart ached for him. I wanted so badly to fix the situation, but there was nothing I could do but patiently wait for Abby to make it to the ride. I literally, as his mother, had NO way to mother him. I felt like a failure.

I took this picture to remember the struggle of the moment, but it was a good distractor for at the time too. If you look closely you can see the panic in Brother's face... poor kid.


Then we saw Abby coming through the walk-way and Brother's demeanor completely changed, a total 180! He was so happy to ride Space Mountain with Abby, his assistant coach, and was quick to ask her about the "drops" and if it was scary.

I was still a little queasy from the Thunder Mountain ride and, frankly, emotionally and physically drained from holding him during his panic, that I opted to not ride and just wait for the small group at the exit of the ride.

I walked back and waited at the exit of the ride feeling defeated and inadequate.

Then Brother came from the exit of the Space Mountain ride in complete and total triumph and excited exhilaration announcing that "it was so much fun!" and there were "so many drops!" and it "was so scary!"

I reminded myself that I had been strong enough to wait with him, to endure the stares and awkward glances, questioning faces and uneducated comments all just to allow him to overcome his fear and enjoy the ride, even if it wasn't with me.

Besides, I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself, Brother was back on his Disney high and ready for the next adventure!

We split up into groups for dinner and then headed over to the California Adventure side for some more fun. When we went to get into the California Adventure Gates we had to show our tickets again and it was then that I realized that Brother's ticket had been lost along the way. Luckily Gray knew to take a picture of Brother's ticket in case of that very situation so she was able to bring the photo up on her phone and the cast member at the gate was happy to let Brother in.

Anway, we were off to ride Soarin', which when I first heard the name of the ride I thought it was some sort of fantasy-type ride from "Lord of the Rings" or something and was so confused as to what that had to do with Disneyland... I kept thinking they were saying Soren or Sorin, or something. So when I finally got to the gate of the entry of the beginning of the line and saw "Soarin'" on the sign it all made much more sense... soaring... minus the 'g' and it was Soarin' like soaring in a plane over the land... That ride was a definite favorite of mine and Brothers and we were screaming and giggling with excitement as we "soared" over Paris and Egypt, Brother's two favorite places.

Brother was so giddy with Disney magic excitement! It was absolutely contagious!

Everyone was so excited to go on the new "Guardians of the Galaxy" ride, which to those who know Disneyland would know it was the old Tower of Terror ride.

The line for this one was a long one and, frankly, hearing about what it was I did NOT want to go, but Brother wanted to do what his friends were doing and he was set to do this ride also.

Brother is extremely sensitive to music, sounds and voice inflections or voice tones so sometimes even when something isn't scary at all, it will seem scary to him because of how the music sounds to him. As we got closer to getting to the start of the ride Brother started to become agitated and fearful because of the dialogue and music going on with the ambiance of the ride. I could see that he wasn't going to make it. He wanted to go with Abby on the ride so badly so he kept pushing forward, but he finally lost the fight to keep going. I took him into my arms and out the closest exit to try to calm him down.

It was a really rough next 15 or so minutes of my trying not to cry or meltdown so that he could cry and meltdown instead. I took a couple pictures to remind me of how hard those moments were.


He was so scared and so panicky that he could hardly look at the camera.

It was getting cold outside so one of the cast members allowed for us to stand inside the door way
of the exit so that we could warm up. This is Brother trying to get some sensory input and some much needed comfort.
I remember taking a picture at this specific moment because I don't want people to think that this trip was all easy and that Brother just enjoyed every moment. It was hard and it was rewarding.

When we met everyone at the end of the ride, Brother was so happy for them and told them they did a good job by going. He was so happy for them and kept reassuring himself that he was still very brave just by getting to the entry.

The almost half mile walk back to the hotel was full of laughter and story telling of things that had gone on that day and Brother was all smiles.

We got back to our hotel room about 10:30 and it took until almost 12:30 for him to finally calm all of his faculties down enough to fall asleep.

It had been a big first day and we had been awake for a full 20 hours... it was definitely time for bed.

And if I had known what was on the morrow... I would have gotten a little more sleep and prayed a lot harder during my evening prayer...