OK, now this is getting personal!

Ya, I am sorry. I must talk this through to cyberspace. Why? I don't know. I have been thinking about that very thing.

This is a blog about my life. Right? If I don't talk about what is going on in it good or bad, then it seems too good to be true.

I hate watching movies that don't have happy endings. So why do I tell the truth good or bad on my blog. Well, because I hope in the "end" it will be a very happy ending. But, as with any good movie with a happy ending there are trials to be overcome. Right? Of course I am right. (smile)

Anyway, I am writing to get it all down. I am struggling, today, with the Fragile X thing. Sister has really been struggling with impulse control. She will just hit anyone or anything. She will completely shut down when asked a question. She cries at the drop of a hat. When she is wakened from a nap her hysterics are unconsolable. Please, I ask you right now, don't post the "girls are like that" post. It's not the same. Sorry if I just offended you, but it isn't. Fragile X is different. Yes it has similarities but, the tantrum that girls throw aren't always caused by insignificant circumstances. I mean, waking up from a nap should not bring out an all encompassing brawl of emotion and anger for 20 minutes to an hour. And I am talking crazed eyes, flailing body, scratching, biting, complete freak-outs. Please save me your sympathy. I am scared that I cannot help her. I am scared it will only get worse. I am scared that there is not a medication out there that will help ease her transitions.

Recently she started flapping her arms whenever she is excited. She's 4 1/2. She is now doing the typical FXS hand flapping.

Am I a bad mom that I am not able to change this behavior? I don't know anymore. I can't tell what I can help and what is just her.

I am trying to do my best. I guess that the reason I put stuff on here that is not happy is so that you can see that life is not just peaches all the time. Yes, there are awesome times, incredibly happy times. In fact, I still have pictures to post from the Easter party at my sister's. Don't worry there are happy times, I promise.

The Ensign was open on the counter this morning to an article about letting Christ take on our burdens. I hear that all the time. I don't truly understand it. Even reading the article I still struggled to understand. In the article he talked about how he was so distraught and then read a scripture helping him understand what the Atonement was all about and how he just placed his burdens on Jesus Christ and his heart was lifted. (Article can be read here.)

Why can't I seem to do that? Do I not have the testimony I thought I did? Will I be able to do that? Am I holding onto these feelings because I don't want to let them go? I don't know. It is funny that I can write this personal stuff down and send it out to cyberspace and feel a bit of a burden lifted. As if when I do so you as a reader take on some of the burden. Maybe that is why someone close to me told me "no more depressing posts." Maybe you as a reader don't want to take on the burden. I should rely on Christ. I should let Him take my burdens. I know I should. I know I can but, how. That leads me to thinking that maybe my testimony isn't what I thought it was. That I am not praying to Him as a personal friend but, only as a prayer going to no where. How sad. I need to pray to Him with real intent and feeling. I need to really believe He is listening; ready and willing to take away my pain and worry.

See, I know what needs to be done. Why can't I do it? I will get there. Don't worry.

And yes, my life is happy. And it will be happy. Once in a while, though, I put it out there.

You don't need to comment on this one. I just wanted to say it because I am sure that someone out there feels the same way sometimes. To that person, I say, "You're not alone."