Friday, March 22, 2013

From Donuts to Track in One Post

I'm writing earlier today just because I have to get this off my chest.

First I will start with Dad's and Donuts at Sister's School.

It was Dr. Seuss' birthday that day and Sister L-O-V-E-S Dr. Seuss! They had a Dr. Seuss Day all planned and she had all her favorite Dr. Seuss books in her backpack ready to go for the big day. She had been planning on this day for a couple of weeks. But, Dad's and Donuts Day was not on her plan so when Dad showed up that morning to read with her and have donuts she was upset that her routine, her plan, had been seemingly ruined. As Marc walked into Sister's classroom to get her for their time together, Sister coiled up at her desk and crocodile tears began to flow.

Sister loves her Daddy, but he was not part of the plan that day. Marc saw that his daddy daughter date was not going to happen that morning, gave her a sweet hug and kiss, wiped a few of her tears and left.

I am sure he cried some crocodile tears of his own as he drove off to work wishing that his life with his children was a little closer to normal.

Then comes my turn for Moms and Muffins at Sister's school. I had prepared myself for the worst, that Sister may not even want me there because it was not part of her daily routine. I took Baby with me and  we were off in cold of our Utah Spring to read and eat muffins with Sister.

I even had thoughts of bringing my camera to take pictures of the event. Sister smiling while holding her muffin and book. You know, the way you see other mothers do, or at least I do.

I walked into Sister's classroom with Baby in my arms because she was too upset that her routine of sleeping in had been interrupted and was too upset with me to cooperate and walk with me.

To my surprise, Sister grinned and giggled with excitement when I came in. I set Baby down to give Sister a hug. Baby assumed the "student" role and wandered about the classroom as if it was her own, so then it became a task to get Baby out along with Sister so we could have muffins and read. Finally with Baby in my arms and Sister at my side she bounced (literally) down the hall to show me where Moms and Muffins was taking place. She grinned and grinned.

She waltzed happily into the section of the lunch room where everyone was gathered. She smiled all the way up to the time of me informing her that "we have to wait here in line for muffins." Then it was as if switch was flipped.

"No. No. No. No. No. No. No," she repeated as she shook her hands nervously next to her face.

I asked, "Do you just want to read?"

She nervously and quickly found a spot on the stage steps and we sat and I read to her. The entire time I was reading to her she nervously scanned the room and kept her eyes on every new body that entered. I wrapped my free arm around her to give her some sensory input, love and reassurance. After a few minutes of her trying to do what was expected of her she started to nervously turn the pages before I was done reading them and telling me, "I'm done. I wanna be done. I'm done."

So we got up and walked back to her classroom.

She was not bouncing down the halls happily this time. She was scanning nervously, and kept her hands next to her mouth and kept hurrying me along.

When we got to the classroom Sister was immediately calmed. It was so interesting to watch how instant her mood changed just because she was back in her environment.

Baby wanted to explore the classroom a little bit and the teachers said we were welcome to stay a bit so we did, only because I wasn't ready to carry Baby out of the classroom kicking and crying just yet. My back was still sore from the last escapade 20 minutes before. So, for my own selfish reasons we hung around the classroom.

It was so interesting to watch how at peace and at home both my girls were in that classroom. It was like they were at home. Content and happy.

When it was time to leave I wrestled Baby's jacket back on, swept her up into my arm along with my purse and we were off.

As I was walking down the hall, I was in a bit of a daze. I just kept thinking, "This is my life. This is how it is." As I watched other mothers entering with their children for Moms and Muffins, ready with their cameras and happy, "normal" children.

I wanted to cry as I walked by all the artwork hanging outside classrooms, flyers advertising extra-curricular activities for gifted and advanced students, posters about goals for reading or math that had been achieved throughout the school.

I started feeling numb as Baby began to cry because of the wind in her face as we walked outside and her stiffened and fighting body as I folded her into her car seat.

I sat in the car with it running answering a text about Brother going to a track meet today with all the regular education kids and if I wanted him ride the bus to the meet with them.

Did I want my son to be with the regular ed kids on the bus? It hit me that this is my life. I have to answer questions like this.

I set me phone down and started to drive home with Baby still whining because I had taken her from the wonderful classroom.

My mind spun as I thought about my morning and how abnormal it is from other mothers this morning.


I slammed on my breaks and was caught in a stupor as I looked up at a big yellow bus with a bright red flashing red stop sign to the left of me. The bus driver was yelling at me and shaking his hands at me in disgust.

I apologized through my window and waited there for the sign to be retracted and my embarrassment and dismay along with it.

It was only a block away from my house.

I pulled into my driveway embarrassed and ashamed that I didn't notice the bus sign. There were no kids getting on on my side. I know because I remember thinking, "Oh, this is the bus my kids would be riding on with their peers if there weren't in special ed."

I pulled into my garage and wanted to cry.

Instead I came into the house and decided to write about it.

And no, I don't have any pictures to show you from this morning's Moms and Muffins experience...

BUT, I will, by dang, get some pictures of Brother at his track meet. Now that is a happy thought to end with. He is on the school track team! How cool is that? I mean how cool is that?!

2 remarks:

Bonnie@TheFragileXFiles said...

Sometimes it seems like you get hit from all directions at the same time. I've had days like that!

Marc and Rachael said...

Bonnie, Amen! to your comment :)