Monday, December 21, 2009

X Marks the Spot...

for my three treasures.

I was getting 10 ready for school when the phone rang. I thought it was probably Jessie; she usually calls in the mornings when I am getting the kids off to school. I couldn't answer it because 10 and I were reading before he got on the bus. After he got off to school I checked my messages. It was the lab at the hospital and they said they sent Baby's test results to her doctor. I called immediately and requested them to fax the results to me.

Listening to the fax print out was long, almost like it was in slow motion. I have waited eight weeks three days for this test result.

I read the bottom of the fax searching frantically for the result. It wasn't at the bottom.

It was in the middle: This patient is predicted to be affected by Fragile X Syndrome

I thought I would be strong.

I wasn't.

I balled like a baby.

The tears covered the phone buttons as I called all of my family. Although my heart soared as 4 sang "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" at the top of her lungs as I relayed the news. That song will now, forever, hold a special place in my heart. I think it was her way of comforting me.

The tears flow as I type.

I knew all along, I just was hoping I was wrong. I think both Marc and I knew. We just kept thinking, no, not this time.

I love her. I am so grateful for her. She is perfect, to me. I am just scared that I can't fulfill her needs.

I am scared.

I know Heavenly Father will guide me and help me, but, today, I will cry, and cry a lot.

I have so much to post, but, I know you all have been waiting to hear. I will post about all the weekend's wonderful happenings later.

Thanks to all of you, ahead of time, for your love and support.

Kids Who Count! Here I come! Did ya miss me??

14 remarks:

Tom and Karen Mortensen said...

I am so sorry to hear this. But maybe she won't be too bad. I know how you feel in a way. I felt the same way when I was told that I was a carrier. I knew what that meant for me, no more kids. Even though Fragile X seems like an evil intruder it has really blessed my life. I have met so many wonderful people because of this, my son has taught me to be more Christ like. What could be better. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I am here for you.
PS It is good that you found out eary though. You can start working with her now. "They" say the earlier you start the better.

Travis and Cami said...

oh, i'm so sorry to hear that. but you are the perfect person to deal with it. you're such a strong mom, and a great example to everyone around you. i want to be more like you, you're hilarious!!! :) plus that baby is adorable!!!

Yo said...

I cried when I read your post because I know how it feels to want something so bad and it never happen. Be strong and focus on what you can do rather than the things that are out of your control. We love you:)

Staci said...

I understand you are scared, but, you are an awesome mom!

Earth life is only temporary... then we will have perfect bodies.

Aaron and Megan said...

Oh I know KWC misses you! Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Rochelle said...

I don't really know what to say, I don't think saying sorry is appropriate for me, because I am not, maybe sorry that life isn't easier, not sorry that she has Fragile X. Your kids are so cute, and so innocent. I loved watching them dance at the wedding, so free from the worries and cares of the world. I will pray that you will have the strength that you need to raise all your beautiful kids, I know you will. You can do this!!! I love you!!! ( I say all this while I cry with you:)

Derek and Melissa said...

Rachael, my heart goes out to you. You are such a wonderful person and an amazing mother. I've always looked up to you. I can't imagine how hard it would be to hear the news. Your children are so special. I love their smiling faces and even when they aren't so smiley. They are very close to heaven so you are heavenly blessed :) I'm not sure what to say to comfort you or how to say that everything will be alright. But I do know that you and Marc are qualified in every way.

Rosanne Orgill said...

Wow, This is such a challenge for you but I know you can handle it and so does the Lord. You have 3 celestial children and they are such a delight. Their smiles melt my heart and I love their free spirits. Watching Brighten Dancing at the wedding was such a delight. He didn't care who was watching, he wanted to dance and he did. I wish we all could be like that. Little 4 smiling and running from her uncle at the wedding breakfast, how cute. Such beautiful children, you and Mark are doing such a wonderful job with them You can see it on their faces. Keep up the great work you truly are blessed. way to go!

Paola said...

I personally agree with Rochelle... I don't think that "I am sorry" is what I would say to you, because I feel that 10,4 and Baby are a LOT closer to heaven than many of us.
Instead I will tell you that I think you are the perfect Mom for her!!! I admire how dedicted you are to your children, how you are their best advocate, how well you have educated all of us about how things work and why they get upset in certain situations, I admire the fact that you come to church after a sleepless night with your hair done and everything!you are the best!!!Your children are so great because of you.
I am not taking away the fact that sometimes things can get very stressfull but I know that will make your relationship with the Savior a lot closer.
Love you!!!!!!

Julie said...

Rachael, you and your family will be in our prayers. I just read this quote by Elder Richard G. Scott: "The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life. I do not minimize how hard some of these events can be. When the lesson you are to learn is very important, trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do. Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life. That perspective keeps challenges confined to their proper place—stepping-stones to further growth and attainment."
You have such wonderful children, and they are truly blessed to have you as their mother!

Joe said...

At Kirsten's wedding was my first time interacting and being around your children.I was outside the main reception room by he couches. We met eyes and they smiled at me as if they knew me, my heart and love were already full to "meet" them. I was overwhelmed by their spirit and sweet smiles, I felt a good spirit around them, the little girl said "where are rest of the kids?" I answered they are starting to eat, just come through here, they were excited, and all ran thru the double doors. In summary,I love your family and you and Mark, and yours is such a great and special mission that you both have been chosen for. We love your blogs, like Rochelle my heart was full, while reading about the news. -- Love Joe

Candace said...

I would look at this as a blessing that God chose you and Marc to be the parents of such special children. He trusted you to be their parents. In a way, I am kind of jealous.
Marc once told me that he was expecting baby to have it. It gave him comfort knowing that this life was temporary, and the obstacles would only be here. In heaven, they would be perfect.
I think they are perfect now. They are so sweet and love their special little personalities. I think that they have made me laugh and smile more than any other children I have met.
I am glad you have the answer now, and you know how to approach it better than you knew years ago. All of them are beautiful, and have blessed your lives in ways you cannot even have imagined, before you even had them.

Ethington Family said...

We love you!

Shauna said...

Rachael, you are such an inspiration. you are stronger and do so much with your kids, it's amazing. You are the perfect parents for your kids. They are very lucky and blessed to have you. Be strong, and on days that you are feeling weak, pray for strength. We love you all and miss spending time with you guys. Hugs and know we are praying for you