Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Sink Hole

I have been contemplating for days whether I should post some of my true feelings on my blog. I know, it sounds so fake for me to even say that, but, I know that some people read my blog only because they want a laugh or some inspiration. Most readers don't want to hear how rotten I feel during bouts of depression.

See this sink hole?

My husband took this picture on a site he was working at one day. There was a big tractor in that spot. Once second the trusty road was holding it up and within the next second, BAM, down went the tractor! Crazy huh? This picture (of course) is after they used a crane to pull the tractor up and out of the sink hole.

Sometimes depression is like that.


...and you're down.

No warning. No hints.

There are those times when you can see it coming because of so many circumstances going on around you and you are able to brace yourself for the fall so that the fall is not so hard and abrupt.

I thought that's where I was, bracing mode.

But, I am finding I can only put so many "fake" braces in place before the final blow and...


So, here I am, in my sink hole.

One small thing that got me to this place is seeing just how far of a gap there is now between Brother and the friends he used to hang out with all the time. Now don't get me wrong. He still has some very special friends, it's just that these friends don't really hang out with him anymore because their interests have grown and matured and Brother is still happy to do "kid" stuff. It's tough to see the separation happening. I always knew this time would come but, I thought that it would be a small gap between him and his peers socially, but sometimes, I am seeing it more like a canyon.

On the other hand I am so incredibly grateful for the kids in his special class, especially one. They have been best friends for quite a while now and they want to be able to play with each other on the weekends, but there have been some circumstances that can't allow that to happen.

So here I am with a son, who has friends that love him but really don't want to hang out with him anymore because of the social differences and then he has a great best friend but they can't hang out outside of school.

It's hard to watch.

Then there is the frustration and constant guessing game as to what will help Sister today. She has so much anxiety and overstimulation issues it is hard to witness sometimes. You can just see when her little body has had just to much of life and all it's activities and requirements.

I panic every time Baby shows signs of acting like Sister. I feel bad that I think that way because I love Sister, I just don't know if I can handle two of her.

I have been facing some really tough situations with the children I raised for a time. I have completely lost my place in their lives. What place that was, I don't know. But, I do know that there is no place for me, Marc or our kids.


I tried for so long to break down the walls and let them know I would never give up.

But, I did.


My walls are now up.

I have never been so guarded, but here I am, holding back everything I have to offer just because I can't handle being shut down anymore.

I feel like I am a bad person.

Like I was a bad mother to them.

Where did I go wrong.

We were in a very awkward situation a few weeks ago when one of the kids was at the same place we were and Brother kept looking where this person was with hope in his eyes that notice would be taken of him.

No notice.

He was sad.

It's so hard on all of us.

I understand why their walls are up.

I do.

But, it still hurts...

a lot.

I know that some people really have no idea how much they are hurting a person.

But, it is really hard for me to understand why a person continues to hurt another knowing that they are.

I want to be a good mom, a good wife, a good aunt, a good person.

Lately I feel like I am not meeting up to any of those things.

I am really grateful for this coming up on Saturday. I know it will boost my spirit and give me the jump start I need.

I am also so thankful to know that my Heavenly Father is there for me... I just need to pick myself up out of my sink hole and really pray for help. I struggle with sincere prayer when I am really down, don't really know why, I just do.

I really don't like posting about depression if I don't have a way to help others resolve it. I guess that is why I am willing to put my heart on the line... I am hoping that I can help someone out there that may be facing the challenges of depression.

This is my song of inspiration this week. My sisters, mom and I sang it with my cousin, Travis. It was a lot of fun.

I know everything will get better. It may get worse before it gets better, but I can't wallow in sadness over all the things I have no control over. I just have to remind myself, "Don't forget to pray."

4 remarks:

Rachael said...

Yo said: (Sorry, I had to edit your comment a tad)
I think I understand where you are at - I've been there too. It's hard. There comes a point though where you have to accept and allow their free agency and you have to focus on the things that you do have control over - like your children and yourself. It is hard for sure but I know that with time it gets better. Don't give up but just change your focus and energy to things you can change. I am a self proclaimed "control freak" and have had to learn that there are just somethings I have no control over. As frustrating as that is at times I just have to take a deep breathe and move on. I hope you don't stay in that sink hole for too long - a little bit's okay:) ... I wondered how things were going:)

Karen Mortensen said...

I liked what the above said. I am sorry you are feeling this way. You will come out by and by. Just don't beat yourself up too bad before you come out.

Umma said...

I think you know I can relate :-) The sinkhole description is so very appropriate. There are better days coming, I hope they are very, very soon :-)

Bonnie@TheFragileXFiles said...

I want to cyber-lift you out of that sink hole, because I know you'd be there to lift me out when I'm in there. I keep thinking it'll get easier, but there will always be some sink holes, won't there? Very poignant analogy.