No Bridge!

So here it is. The post you have all been waiting for 11 months to hear.

I am done mourning them.

Them?

13 and 18.

And, finally, even Bryan.

Why?

Because I have to be.

Why?

Because I have three children and a husband who need me whole.

Not in pieces, crying over losing them to their parents.

How did I do it?

How did I finally move forward?

I don't really know how to explain it.

I just know that God lifted my burdens and he is carrying them for me.

It happened a while ago.

They were here to hang out for a whole day and during that time I had realized they are different now. They don't need me anymore. Not in the mother way they needed me before. Now I am their friend and confidant.

I am their aunt.

Thank you, if you were one of the dozens of people who told me that we made a difference in their lives, that we gave them a chance at a new life, that we guided them through the tough times of their teenage years, that we saved them and that one day they would see that and be happy.

Thank you.

And I am sorry.

Sorry, if at the time, I told you it would never be that way, that it all hurts too much, that it isn't fair, that I don't understand why Heavenly Father is asking this of me.

I think I even may have been angry with some of you who tried to console me in my time of sorrow.

A few weeks ago I was talking about how I have healed and moved forward to some friends. One of the friends was telling me how Marc and I were a bridge for those kids to get to where they are now.

... I didn't want to be a bridge. I didn't take these kids on so that I could become a bridge. I love them. I wanted them to be my children. I wanted to be their mom. Not a bridge.

No bridge!

... tears in my eyes.

But, with God's help I am now proud to say I was a good bridge. And I might add I was a weak bridge at times, but through the passing of time He added strength to my bridge. I would like to say I was a strong bridge for them most of the time. Sometimes the storms were so hard on me that I was weakened again but, then I prayed for help and he added more beams and cables. My bridge may look a little muddled with all the additional supports but, dang it, I earned those supports.

So, here I am.

A proud bridge.

One who carried a lot of weight.

One who let 3 children leave imprints.

One who broke down a few times but, was strong enough in the framework to be built back up again.

May we all be willing to be the bridges in peoples lives. That we may be there to help some one get to their final, or temporary destination.

So in celebration of me being able to finally move forward. I will no longer name them 13 and 18 from when they were still mine.

Kelsey (18)and J.R. (13).

So now I move forward as a bridge, strengthened, to continue to lead our 3 children on the right path. Now I just have to hope my bridge is straight... (smile)

P.S.
I still love them all with all my heart. I miss them. But I am OK with the situation now. And yes, sometimes my heart still aches to be their mom.