Wednesday, December 18, 2013

There's a Little Girl in the Corner of my Heart

I've clicked "New Post," I don't know how many times over the last few days.

I think, are they ready to read a real post no matter how "blah" it is, or should I just stick to the fun stuff showing our updates?

Then I remembered that Our Life is real.

All the time.

Even if the real may not interest you, you don't have to read it all. I usually post some pretty fun pictures to look at so you can check those out instead.

I have a lot on my mind and I am going to try to put it all here in one post…

I sat down the other day and wrote down all the things I loved as a child between the ages of 5 and 15.

It was interesting because I really started to miss that little girl I once was. How did I lose that little girl?

I know we all have to grow up, but, trust me, growing up doesn't mean we need to be a totally different person conforming to what everyone wants us to be.

Growing up just means we find better ways to make mud pies, build forts, plan adventures, play night games (no giggling on that one people… I'm not referring to that) or roller-skate in the driveway singing "Xanadu" at the top of our lungs.

No, really, I mean it. We don't have to give up who we are, just change our way of doing things… a little. When you're 19 mud pies may give way to playing sand volleyball or drawing in the sand at the beach, planning adventures that may go beyond your backyard and actually to another state or country, and at night we may build a fire in the canyon park and roast marshmallows with a group of friends (hey, I live in Utah… that's how we roll).

Then when you're 20-something you may build homes instead of forts, mountain bike instead of roller-skate and get married and have kids instead of just playing "house."

And then when you are 36 you may have children by then and teach them how you used to make mud pies, play night games, roller-skate and sing simultaneously, and while doing all this just have the excuse that you are teaching your kids how to have fun, but, deep inside, you are reminiscing about your childhood and enjoying every moment of reliving it.

But if you have completely changed from when you were growing up, molded yourself into someone else in order to please another, well, the things you did as a kid are not a grown-up part of you, but instead a lost key to who you really are.

I've done that.

When I wrote my list of things I loved to do as a child I cried a good cry. I don't even know myself anymore. How did that happen? I thought I was doing all that I should and maybe that is the problem. I was doing all that I should without adding in the things that I want or love.

I lost a part of me while growing up. Not the parts I wanted to lose, like stinky feet, pimples, awkward walk, over anxiousness… nope, I lost the things that made me really happy once.

Gone.

Just to conform to the norm.

Now I watch our kids.

They'll always have their childhood.

I don't know if they will ever really lose site of who they are.

They are genuinely themselves and really don't care what others think or want of them.

A child their entire lives.

And then I regret being upset about the childhood I left behind…

I have the blessing of learning from my past, my mistakes and my choices and still choosing to move forward.

I can learn a lot from my kids.

A lot.

I think I am going to start by having Brother teach me how to sing my heart out when I need to relieve stress.

I want to have Sister teach me how to laugh and giggle out loud without worry of who may judge me for my obnoxious laughter.

And Sister will teach me how to seize someone by the hand and show them what I need from them… OK maybe that would be a little weird, I'll learn from her how to seize a moment for myself so that I can relax and recuperate.

My mom stopped by for a visit the other day and she must have sensed what I was going through because I didn't tell her how I was feeling. I'm weird that way, can't tell some one face to face what I'm going through and then I can write it all down in a publicly read blog… I don't know, I'm still trying to figure me out, remember?

Anyway she started to write one line of a song for me. I loved it and had to record it so she wouldn't forget it and then we started being goofy and I was laughing and happier then. I just have to share it with you and I even put some pictures with it… not because I am cool or anything, actually quite the opposite, I couldn't figure out how to get the audio file to load (smile).


Hope this made you smile!

1 remarks:

Guenn Adare said...

Hi Rachel! Well, as I listen to the first line of this song and read your post, I am right there with you. I always told my children, "Why do you want to grow up? Grownups are BORING, because they lose their spontaneity." Me, myself, I never lost my sense of wonder and discovery of my everyday world. HOWEVER, having said that, ever since I was an adult, there have always been 2 Guenns. The public Guenn, and the 'Real Me'. The public Guenn is not the Real Me, and I don't like her as much as the Real Me. The Real Me is open, and in my daydreams, people don't shoot her down. The Real Me is happy and bubbly and spilling over with the exciting adventure of life. Somewhere in your song, can you sing about the Real Me who wants to come out and be seen and accepted? It wasn't safe to let the Real Me show, she was put down or criticized when she would appear. It's still not safe for her in Utah. When will Real Me's become embraced in the state of Utah? (Here in Hawaii, I can be the Real Me and everyone takes me at face value and without judgement, I so love it.) There comes a point in childhood where we are expected to exchange the Real me for Should. Should is what drove the little girl in your song into the corner of her heart. Love, Guenn