Friday, January 6, 2012

My time to cry

flashback 8 1/2 years ago
"I can't believe this is ours! This is where we'll retire. This is where our kids will grow up."

Our life was so different then; August of 2003: one child of our own, Brother, and our niece, Kelsey and our nephew, Bryan, and our horse, Golden.

Since then this house has seen 1 broken shoulder, 1 broken hand, 2 oxygen tanks, 2 apnea monitors, 2 billi-light beds, 3 sprained ankles, 3 Fragile X Syndrome diagnosis, 3 new family members, 3 less family members, 6 chickens come and go, 6 horses, 3 goats, 2 horses' deaths, 1 goat's death, 2 Proms, 4 Homecomings, 46 birthday parties, 1 amazingly huge neighborhood 40th birthday bash, 2 brand new baby girls, 4 trees planted then dug-up and replanted at least 3 times each, 2 garden spots, and countless numbers of friends, family, laughs, tears, struggles, triumphs, successes, failures, and memories.

Last night was the last night in our home.

Today is the last day.

How do you say goodbye to a home, not just a house, but, a home?

I guess you don't, you just have to say "farewell" knowing that it is going to bring memories for another family.

For the last several months (long before we knew we were going to move) Sister kept saying, "I wanna go home" even when were here at home. I didn't really wonder why because I just figured it was her way of expressing that she was having a hard time with a transition or situation at that moment and that was her way of saying she didn't feel comfortable. But, maybe, just maybe, she has felt that sense that it was time for us to find a new home, a new place to make memories.

When we drove the kids by the house we have made an offer on (and are still waiting on because it is a short sale) they got so excited and haven't stopped talking about it since.

I knew this transition would be hard for them, and I know there are still going to be many tough times ahead of us with all the transitions and changes that are about to occur.

I actually fear those moments.

I hope I will know how to handle them.

Right now they have been having a hard time at night, not wanting to sleep, waking up earlier than usual or just generally acting out.

I have basically ignored them while I have been packing for the move and I feel like a bad mom for it. I should be stressing on all their transitional needs and developmental play, but instead, I pack, and pack, and pack. I have been packing for a month and I still feel like I am in a sea of stuff that I can't believe I have collected over the years.

I already feel like a bad mom because of all the things I don't do and now I am taking my children (who don't transition well) away from familiar surroundings, good friends, amazing teachers and schools, and the most amazing community.

It is tough.

Yet, I know with all my heart this is the right thing to do.

I am going to miss this home.

But, I am excited for the new adventure in our lives.

We bought this home when Our Life was taking an entirely different direction. Our goals were different. Our outlook was different. Our family schematics were different.

It's time for the next chapter to Our Life.

I love the next chapter. It makes me feel like I am moving forward in the book, getting close to the reason I started the book in the first place; to find out how it all unfolds and then comes together.

I am excited to see how this adventure of selling our house in 5 days, moving out after having put it up for sale only a month ago, not having a house to move into, moving in with my parents while we wait to have a house to move into, moving with children with Fragile X Syndrome, and moving to be close to Marc's work. Sounds like a good chapter, I am excited to be part of the unfolding.

But, that doesn't mean I don't get to cry.

I am crying.

For the first time since this all happened, I am actually shedding tears.

I am sure I will continue to shed more tears as I take down the last family picture off the wall, move the last item from our house, say goodbye to friends as they help us move, drive away with the last load knowing this is not my home anymore.

It's sad.

I am scared for what happens next.

I hope that the author of my story has a great chapter set up for me.

I guess I will do my best to co-author and make sure it heads the direction we are hoping...


4 remarks:

Julie said...

You and your family will be greatly missed! You are such a great friend and neighbor! You and Marc are such examples on following the inspiration you recieve for your family, even when it is so difficult to do. Best wishes on this move! Please stay in contact, and you are more than welcome to come back any time! Visits galore!

Anonymous said...

Rachael, I wish you all the best. I know the emotions you are feeling. when we moved from Utah to Oregon, I felt that way about the State, not really a home. Spanish Fork was my "home". I miss it still. Not the place but the people that live there. We are in the middle of a move right now as well and though we were only in that house for three years, a lot happened in that three years. I will always think fondly of that house and the memories. I love you and know you will find happiness where ever you are, because that is the person you are. Love ya, mary

Bonnie@TheFragileXFiles said...

I can only imagine how hard it must be. AJ tells me constantly too, "Go home?" when we are at home.....lots of tough transitions ahead, but exciting new adventures, too. I'll be thinking of you!

Suzy said...

Ditto. I know many of our experiences are different and we weren't there as long, but I know what you mean about leaving a home that you thought you would in forever. It is still hard sometimes when I think about it, yet, I know that we are where we are for a reason and we were supposed to take the leap of faith. Good luck with the leap and I love you!