Monday, January 23, 2012

A colorful swirl of random thoughts

My mind is everywhere.

Part of the reason I haven't been blogging regularly. These swirling thoughts of Fragile X Syndrome, motherhood, being a wife, being in limbo between homes, the anxiety of my life and the thoughts of my children are all trying to find a place to settle in my head until I can sort through them all.

My heart is full.

I have great family all around me that support me. Friends surround me. The gospel inspires me and my surroundings are full of grandeur.

My body is tired.

I feel young but my body doesn't seem to keep up with all my aspirations to play sports like I did as a teenager.

My gut keeps telling me I am doing all that I can.

I have a lot that I have done at the end of each day and I convince myself that that is enough.

My guilt keeps telling me I haven't done enough.

I have failed in leading our local Fragil X Association to it's fullest potential. I can't seem to find all the time I need to do everything I should for my children's development and betterment. I can't keep everyone happy no matter what decisions I make and it weighs on my heart.

My head reminds me that I don't have to make everyone happy.

As long as I can encourage my children's happiness that is all that matters to me, and that, in turn, makes me happy.

My genetics tell me that everything is working against me and my children and our future.

I worry about whether FXTAS will end up affecting me and to what point will it affect the care of my children. Who will take care of them when Marc and I are gone.

My faith tells me not to give up.
And that's what keeps me moving forward...

2 remarks:

Rochelle said...

Life can be and is so hard some times, and you have a lot on your plate. This is the first I have heard of you being worried about FXTAS affecting you when you are older, kind of scary, but really all of us can be affected by anything at any time. I always worry that I will get cancer,because anyone at any time can get it, I hate worrying about things that shouldn't be worried about! Why do things have to be so complicated!! Grrr :) That is a lot of responsibility to lead your local Fragil X Assoc., most things like that switch off every year as to who is the leader, I don't know how anyone can expect you to do it forever??? But with all the problems in life at least you look fantastic and super skinny and you make me want to loose weight!!!

Mariah said...

I think it's ironic that our lives are so different, and yet you substitute a few of my personal challenges instead of yours and I could have written this blog, almost word for word.

I guess that's part of the reason we put things on our blogs. To know that we're not alone. To reach out and realize that we all have feelings of inadequacy and fear for the future, to express gratitude for blessings and faith in a loving God.

Uh, oh... the sappy words of Michael McClean are creeping up my throat... wait for it... wait for it... "You're not alone."