My heart is full and my mind is pondering

OK, so I have debated on whether to share some of my more personal feelings on my blog. Many, have commented to me on how open I am here on my blog and I just laugh because really, I just touch the top of the iceberg and usually don't reveal anything much deeper that the first layer of my heart. But, I can't help but pour my feelings out here on my blog/journal knowing that so many of you who read this really do want the best for our little family.

13 and 17's parents are moving here and will only be a block away from us. Now, there may be many differing opinions on a subject of birth parents and legal guardians. For instance, we have already been told by one individual that we are "guardians" not "parents" to my two oldest. That was a heart wrenching moment...

We do have a lot of fun times in this family, I guarantee it. I guess this post is to let all of you know that sometimes, even "Our Life" really stinks.

I am scared of the outcome of this whole situation. And I know very few of you really know the whole story behind all of this so I am sorry to the rest of you who are in the dark but, because of family and what not, I don't want to hurt anyone. But, I do want to express how scared I am. All this time 13 and 17's parents have lived a few states away and as of the last 2 years have made NO contact with them at all except maybe three or four times.

This was something that was not discussed with us and we never had a say or an opinion on the matter. My children are confused and scared and 9 keeps asking 13 if he is going to still live with us. He is scared that he is going to lose his brother.

I am crying just typing about it. Sometimes I wonder why Heavenly Father thinks we can handle so much. I just know I will snap at any moment. I hope that 13 and 17 won't be scared to still call us "mom" and "dad." Our family has grown so close this last year and I do think that much of this blessing is attributed to Bryan being on a mission, my family support and 13 and 17 finally feeling like they belong. I worry that all this may break this bond that has been built and has been so greatly needed for these years.

When birth parents say to you that they would like you to take their children for one year or less until they can clean up their lives, you kind of take it on as an extended babysitting experience. And then after the year is up and no contact has been made to request the children back you start to realize that they will be with you for a long time... so you start to recommit as a parent and begin looking at it all long term. It's like adoption, they are yours, you are theirs. You start thinking about when they will bring their kids to your house for Christmas... you know that kind of thing. Your love for them grows unceasingly and unconditionally, and you begin to introduce them as your son and daughter. It just happened that way for us. So if any of you understand adoption you would have to picture the birth mother and father living next door watching how you are raising your children and wanting to take part in it every once in a while. There is no way around it, there is jealousy there. Wondering, do they wish they were with their birth parents, am I too strict? Will they want to leave me?

Now, notice I try carefully to say "birth" parents and not "real" parents. I think that is a fine line. I feel like a real parent to them everyday since I have taken them into my home.

I am scared.

I am concerned.

I am worried.

And yet, I really don't know what will happen. Maybe it will be the greatest experience ever, or just not as bad as we thought. Who really knows. So, until this Wednesday we will just try to focus on our little family's needs, pray often and have faith that Heavenly Father will help us all through this.

So, just so you know, I will not be posting any of the hard stuff about this situation. I don't want to hurt anyone but, I am hoping that our family will be in your thoughts and prayers...