Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Self-doubt and Enough

I'm apologizing ahead of time for the blunt honesty that is about to come in this post.

If you are uncomfortable with complete honesty (and basically, whining) even if it exposes faults then you might just want to skip through and look at the pictures...

You have been warned:

Do you ever doubt yourself?

I'm in this rut where I just don't think I am good at anything that I am doing right now.

I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I'm just in that mode of scrapping everything and starting over.

I've been doing graphic design for 20 years now and for the first time in years I have actually slowed down in work. I hate even admitting that here, publicly, for you all to see, but it's the truth.

I don't know if I've lost my edge or if it's just because I am not good at all the social media stuff that needs to be done to promote my work to new clients. I mean, I have been doing this for 20 years... most of my clients have either moved on to other ventures, died or found a cheaper designer so there's not much word of mouth advertising like there used to be.

I started about 5 years ago down the path of being a photographer and I was so excited when I started getting my first paid gigs and was able to actually say I was a professional photographer.

Right when I was feeling like I was really getting ahead of the game my camera broke and I had nothing to shoot with and no money to buy a new one.

Then some sweet people, whom I still do not know who they were, brought a gift of a camera and lenses that Christmas and I vowed that because of that act of generosity that I would continue to pay it forward and make it possible to for many who couldn't afford family photos to have them at a low cost.

I have also strived to do a lot of donation photography for those who couldn't afford it at all or for charity work.

After almost 4 years of doing this I am beginning to feel like I'm not looked at by others as a good photographer, but rather a cheap, decent one.

That hurts.

I've worked hard to get where I am.

Classes, money invested that I don't make back because of donating so many sessions, time, time away from my family, miles traveled, equipment purchased, programs upgraded... etc.

I tried really hard to get a grip on doing a great job at being the leader of the Fragile X Association of Utah and I have failed miserably at that while simultaneously giving up on the one fundraiser I worked so hard to start. And none of it is really missed, it seems, so I see no need to go through all the stress, hard work, dedication, and commitment it all needs.

I wanted to start a blog and later a YouTube channel to help raise awareness about Fragile X Syndrome and give hope to families who have children with special needs that there is laughter, fun, memories and joy in all of it. I think the most I have ever reached were probably the extent of my extended family, and they already know our situation.

I want to be an amazing mom who stays on top of everything and spends all my free time with my kids and making their life better.

But, sometimes, I just sit and stare at the wall because I don't even now where to begin—Baby's behavior plan, Sister's medicine changes, Brother's picture schedule to encourage him to go to Prom, Baby's potty training predicament, Sister's anxieties, Brother's unwillingness to be social or all three of their picture schedules.

I want to be able to make money to help my husband with all the financial stress that comes with our situation but the three main things I am doing seem to be falling apart before my eyes.

I am so confused as to how I am blessed with so many abilities and talents, yet none of them seem to be really helping our situation.

It's so discouraging.

The thought of working outside the home makes me anxious and makes me wonder if I'd be even further from meeting our children's needs.

I honestly don't want anyone to comment about this post.

I'm not asking for sympathy or kind words.

I just want to be real.

I am also realizing that I am glad I am writing this down so that as I wrote it I could think back to all the things I have succeeded at.

I do hope that my talents have at least blessed others lives even if they don't always seem to bless mine.

I have to remember that what I have to offer is enough for the Lord.

And that has to be enough.

I have to remember that I do all that I can and that, by His grace, I am enough.

It brings tears to my eyes to type that out loud, but I have to be OK with being enough.

I may not be the best at the things that I do.

I am enough.

That is OK.

Not easy, but OK.

And I still may try a new career move...

just sayin'...

Photo credit Chelsea Reimschiissel 2014 

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