The Greatest Snowman

She was overstimulated and was switching between being angry and being overbearing so I grabbed her tight in my arms and carried her to her room and we laid down on the her bed where Ranger quickly joined us.

Baby grabbed my face and looked at me with a smile as her eyes twinkled from the light shining from the hall.

Rewind a few minutes earlier and she was smacking her siblings in the face, teasing Sister by taking things from her and threatening Brother with her lunges toward him.

Both Sister and Brother were crying.

Baby got in trouble for causing the crying so she joined in the chorus.

That's when I scooped her into my arms to help her escape her stimulation overload.

As I laid there with Baby in my arms listening to her breathe and watching her tickle Ranger's ears, I started thinking about earlier this morning when she began dancing to some of my favorite music I had playing on my phone before school.

My kids can make or break me all within moments of each other. I really never know what to expect, but I have learned to savor, remember and engrave the good things to my memory and my heart.

With these happy thoughts in my head and Baby in my arms I decided to take a big risk and sing to her.

Singing to Baby is always a risk, because she usually hits me in the face, covers my mouth with her hand or screams at me to stop.

I thought I'd start quietly with a simple Primary song and to my surprise I actually got through one sentence without her smacking me so I was ready to happily continue singing.

Then she routinely placed her hand over my mouth and firmly said, "No. ... Snow man." She said while still squeezing my face with her little hands. She loves Frosty the Snowman, I mean LOVES him. She sings the song and watches the movie on YouTube quite often. I was happy to oblige her, but couldn't think of the Frosty song at that moment.

So I started to sing, "Once there was a snowman, snowman, snowman..."

Hand over my mouth again.

"No. Great Snowman,"

So I thought I'd add actions to my "snowman" song.

"No. Dancing... Greatest... Snowman."

Clearly she was trying to tell me to do Frosty, but it still wasn't coming to me. She doesn't do well with the "waiting" process so I knew I didn't have time to think and only to react, I mean, we were having a "moment" here, I couldn't ruin it by upsetting her with waiting while I tried t remember the magical, dancing 'Frosty the Snowman' song. So I sang the Snowman song with more vibrance and added in some hand dancing.

"No. Mom. Say Great."

I stopped my hand dancing and complied "Great." I repeated.

"No. Mom. Gray..."

"Gray, " I repeated.

"Gray-test."

"Greatest," I said with some hesitance.

"Snowman."

This time I paused... "Oh, Greatest SHOWman?"

She was proud of me for figuring it out.

She had had such a great time dancing to my music this morning and that is the soundtrack I was listening to.

I brought up my phone and we played music from The Greatest Showman soundtrack.

It brought new meaning to sing these songs to her while she listened intently and then would pick another song.

Singing "Never Enough" made me think of all the barriers that will want to hold her back and the strength she'll have to not let them keep her down.

We listened to "This is Me" and she jumped from the bed to do her interpretive dance.

Then she laid back down and picked more songs.

One by one, each song played, some for a few seconds, some for a few sentences and some for most of the song.

"A Million Dreams" rang out and I marveled at all the dreams she has for herself and others and that wonderful day when she'll be able to express all of that to me.

This is why I love the movie "The Greatest Showman." It is set on encouraging people who are different to be their best selves and to show the talents that they have and to stay true to yourself and others.

If you listen to the words of "This is Me" you will know why it tears at my heart strings. "Hide away, they say... we don't want your broken parts." I'm not scared to be seen... This is Me!" "I won't let them break me down to dust... We are glorious!"

I know, I know, "The Greatest Showman" is, by no means, a documentary. PT Barnum was not perfect and by no means do I condone everything he did, but I think this movie was not meant to be about mistakes or bad decisions he made. Instead I think this movie, and Hugh Jackman's motivation for it, was to be about the lives he changed, the opinions he tweaked and the talents he helped shine all while being brave enough to be different. There are only some truths mixed in with PT Barnum's most inspirational quotes and the fantastic story line of the movie.

Guess, what!

I don't care!

The entire time I watched this movie I thought of Brother and the opportunity he has to be a "performer" on his cheer team. I am so thankful for people who are willing to embrace my children and let them shine regardless of it being an unconventional way to go about it.

My life truly is a three-ring circus.

I can't lie.

We often have elephants in the room no one wants to address, trapeze artists seeking higher risks to take, a lot of clowning around, critics on the outside, a peanut gallery, and two ringmasters who try to keep it all under the big top.

I was in heaven singing to Baby while she smiled at me and put her hand on my face. Trust me, this is a first with her. I will treasure this memory for life.

"The noblest art is that of making others happy." --P.T. Barnum

May we all aspire to be and do that of the noblest art.

Our three kids are noble so often and I am so proud of them.

Brother for your love of cheering people up and cheering them on.

Sister for making every single person feel like their story is important.

Baby for sharing your art with those around you everyday.

I am grateful.

I am not without trial, despair, heartache or pain.

But, I am blessed.

Circus and all.

I am so glad to be part of the greatest "show" on earth, known as Our Life!

How Brother greeted me in the morning

A picture my friend sent me of Brother waving to her in the crowd

an exciting moment of my two girls wearing shirts I drew for them by request

I knew Baby was an artist but finding this little gem in her coloring book got me excited that she really wants to learn it!

Just two clips from Sister's day out with a friend of her dancing and singing in the aisles while the toys played music 

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Handicapped Parking

I used to do it.

I'm completely guilty.

I had no idea how incredibly inconsiderate and rude I was being with such a simple and lazy action.

I mean, it was just too much work to take my empty grocery cart to the cart stall or back into the store after I had already shopped for 2 hours with a crying, tantrumming, agressively overstimulated child just to buy stuff that would be consumed within the week and then I'd be back again.

I mean, come on. Give me a break!

I did not have time to put away my cart.

I read a post several years back about how rude and thoughtless people were who did not return their cart and it really hit me! (Gasp!) I'm that rude and thoughtless person!!

OK. Granted when I read this post I was not taking young children with special needs into an overstimulating super store and therefore was not as taxed and worn out like I used to be, but I was perfectly capable of putting the cart away.

So, I have made it a goal to park close to a cart stall so I can return it easily or close by the front of the store to return it through the front door, all because of someone's ranting post about returning grocery carts.

I TOTALLY get the whole, I can barely get my kids into the carseat and still keep my head on straight let alone even think about returning a stupid cart to the store. Heck, I was lucky sometimes to even remember to get all my groceries, purse or phone out of my cart! I can't tell you how many times I thanked the Lord for honest people when I would leave my purse or food in the cart that I had left by my driver's side door in my desperate escape from mayhem.

One of my happiest moments of service are the times when I get to return a cart for an over-tired, over-worked mom or an older person that seemed to just need help lifting the heavy stuff into their car.

So I try not to judge or be mad, because I've been there.

I've unknowingly been that "thoughtless" or in my words "desperate and forgetful" person that leaves my cart by my car or in the empty parking stall next to me. Heck, I've even gone to the work of lifting a cart up over the curb so it wouldn't roll away, but would also save me the time of walking 8 stalls over to put the cart away.

So, here's my gripe:

Why is it, that lately, I have been noticing the disabled or handicapped parking spots are plum full of grocery carts?!!

Are people really in that big of a fog that they think that there would never be a disabled person who would go shopping.

I can just picture the thought process now, "Oh, it's not like this spot gets used that often, I'll just put it here..." 

Blech!

I was at a store today and there were 6 carts in one handicapped parking stall!

Really?!

I cannot tell you how many times while our kids were growing up that we have wrestled, ran, ducked and covered or literally flown across a parking lot to save our children, who are completely unaware of the danger of the cars in the parking lot, from being hit, smooshed or flattened by one. I have wished many, many times, that we had a handicapped parking pass so that we could have the blessing of being closer to the entry of wherever it is we are going. It would have been such a blessing! I can't imagine what it would be like if our three kids were in wheel chairs and we can't find a place to park because all of the places for us to access easily are crowded by grocery carts!

If you don't have the time, patience or sanity to put your cart away after a long, drawn-out, taxing in more ways than one shopping trip, please, at least put it in a spot that doesn't have a wheel chair painted on it in blue and white.

OK, that's it.

Rant over.

On the bright side, Brother was a lot of fun tonight when we tucked him into bed. He was joking with us and really laughing happily. I love seeing his personality shine! He's a credit to his name and truly brighten's up the world around him.

I think his really good mood was credited to him having the opportunity to see a dear friend and get a picture with her! I don't think he stopped smiling since this picture was taken at the game he was cheering at tonight!

Pulling Her Leg

I pulled her first by her feet and then she grabbed the handle above the van door and it caught my body off guard and I jerked forward and launched my stomach into her feet, but I wasn't going to give up.

Sounds like I'm trying to escape something horrible doesn't it?

Well, it was actually just me attempting to get Sister to go to a youth activity at the Bishop's house tonight.

Brighton ran right in and even waltzed on in without knocking knowing the routine of it all and showing off that this was all "old hat" to him. His 8-year-old sister was galloping behind him in excitement.

The activity was meant for kids ages 12-18, so Baby has about 4 years before this will be her activity, but she sees her brother and sister going often for youth activities so she just assumes it is for her too.

I tried to get Baby to stay back in the car with dad while I got the older two to the activity, but it was slightly humorous that our youngest was waltzing in like she owned the place and I was physically having to drag/carry/lunge Sister to the house.

It was quite a bit of effort just to get her in the door and then I didn't have much fight left in me so I plopped on the floor next to the entry way and held Sister in my arms tightly so she couldn't run away.

I'm sure it was quite a sight, yet another slightly humorous thing was to watch most of the kids come in, see me wrestling Sister and they would just nonchalantly say "hi" and ask if she was going downstairs for the program and didn't even bat an eye at the fact that her mother was restraining her on the floor of their Bishop's house while screaming "No!" at them when they asked.

I guess after a few sincere greetings I guess Sister decided it would be OK to go down when our neighbor girls (dear friends) greeted her and reach out their hands to pull her up from the floor and she was good to go.

Baby was all settled in and did not want to leave the youth so the Bishop suggested she could just stay. Marc and I sat and talked to his wife and daughter upstairs while all the kids were downstairs talking with the Bishop on spiritual matters.

It turned out to be a great outing. The kids were happy to be with friends and Baby was ecstatic to be with the big kids and Marc and I enjoyed our conversation with friends. Sister acted as if there was never a struggle or aversion to going to the activity, especially when she realized some deliciously gooey brownies were involved.

Earlier today while visiting Marc's parents we played 4 rounds of dominoes and Marc even played with us. Marc is not a HUGE game fan so it's always fun to get him involved.

It was a good day overall.

I just have to not think about driving this morning to meet my mom for a performance at a missionary farewell only to find out that we were told the wrong time so all the stuff I went through to get myself and the family ready this morning in order to get to the performance on time and had caused high stress on my part and not exactly a lot of quiet patience was now all in vain. And I'm going to ignore that my ankle hurts a bit after contorting at the right angles to get Sister from the van tonight.

Well... OK, I'm not going to ignore it, I'm just going to laugh about it.

I'm guess I'm just accepting the fact that Heavenly Father knows how much I enjoy a great adventure!

A happy girl showing off her double stroller that Grandma Judy found.

Completely Surrounded

Have you ever heard the saying, "When it rains, it pours"?

If you haven't, well, it's not exactly referring to actual weather, but to trials, tribulations or hardships... you know, saying that it can't just be one, but many that seem to come all at once or in immediate succession.

I've heard this reference my whole life for one reason or other.

I use it myself a lot.

Well, for the last while I felt completely surrounded by rain. I used to be able to honestly laugh about the ridiculousness of the piling on of trials, but somewhere around July of 2017, I lost it.

I was good at faking the laugh, the humor, the ironic insinuations, but I was truly letting it, deep down, take its toll.

Completely surrounded.

Behavior issues rising for one kid, new obsessions for the other while aggressiveness and oppositional, defiant attitudes are in another.

Stress over Brother's guardianship--the cost and the endeavor.

How to get Brother and whether to get Brother on his Cheer Competition trip AND his choir tour with the heavy-laden-guilt pushing on our shoulders that this may be his only opportunity for this type of peer interaction and activity for the rest of his entire life!

Surgery on my ankle that I had been trying to avoid for almost 9 months was impending and the preparations to be made beforehand were daunting and overwhelming.

Two weeks or so before my surgery our dishwasher broke. Because of our financial situation we decided we could just do dishes by hand and that we would just use paper plates and cups after my surgery to cut down on Marc's responsibilities.

Two days before my surgery we discovered that our basement had had a slow leak from our water softener that had caused mold problems and required repair and clean-up. This was a cost that was just adding to our legal costs for guardianship and the costs for my surgery on top of the costs for Brother's upcoming high school excursions.

One week post surgery the company coming to clean up our mold problem found that it was more extensive than originally perceived and was going to take more time and more space and was going to encroach on our children's routine and comfort level.

Two weeks post surgery and I ended up in the Emergency Room for unexplained severe pain that no one could help me with so the following morning my mom rushed me to the doctor and we forced our way into the office to be seen only to find out that the doctor hadn't given me the necessary things needed for proper healing at my recent 2-week follow-up appointment. Upon hearing of my situation my sister-in-law, Chelsea, came to the rescue with food and cleaning and keeping kids happy when we realized (after Chelsea was trying to cook bread sticks to go with her home-made chili) that our oven was broken. So now half my kitchen was caput.

Because of the meds I was using for post surgery I wasn't able to rely on my fake sense of humor and I was going down quickly.

Having to talk to the lawyer during this time about all the reasons that Brother could not take care of himself after age 18 didn't help out my depressive situation either.

Sounds like such a drag, huh.

I mean, I can barely read through it.

I hate hearing about all the trials people go through.

It wears me out.

But, that's the thing, I've only been telling you about being surrounded by the rain, the trials, the tribulations, the broken appliances and mold.

But now I want you to see the other side of this long drawn-out few months of never-ending struggle.

You see, really, we were completely surrounded by ...

angels.

Completely.

Surrounded.

By Angels.

Angels everywhere.

Friends set-up a fundraiser to help raise funds for Brother's high school activities and money was raised by other friends and family so fast that we were able to pay all of his way for both trips!

Visits with our wonderful pediatrician shone hope for our kids with different ideas for meds and behavior ideas.

Miraculously we have one of the few home insurances that covered mold caused by an inside leak and all we had to pay was our deductible. To top of that blessing of good insurance, our deductible for the mold removal and restoration was paid for by an angel that I hope will be continually blessed for their generosity.

We had an angel buy a used, but awesome, dishwasher for us to replace our broken one after 2 months of doing dishes by hand.

Because of all the angelic caregivers we have who love our children I was able to arrange for plenty of help for the kids so that I could heal from the surgery.

The night I was in so much pain post surgery our dear friend ran over to help Marc give me a Priesthood blessing of healing. I was shortly after relieved enough of pain that we were able to get to the ER without too much of a scene.

My Sister, Kirsten came and painted my toes all fancy

Documenting progress

I was able to find lawyers for our guardianship case that were lower-cost than most and I also found out that Brother's lawyer has ties to people here in our neighborhood and helped me feel more comfortable about the whole situation.

Sadly, my depression was still in full swing and I was starting to lose hope as this seemed to be the longest period of depression I had gone through with no sign of the end insight, and as silly as it sounds, my depression deepened because I couldn't pull myself out of the darkness I was in even while so many people were doing everything they could to lighted our burdens and take upon themselves our heavy load.

Then there was the day of the wheel chair...

My mom turned my whole life around by a simple wheel-chair escapade to the mall.

That day is where my whole world flipped and I was able to finally, truly smile again, with all the honesty I had, and laugh from the heart and feel love for myself again and exploding love for my mom and all my family.

I never pictured myself laughing with my heart full of love while I was pushed around the mall in a wheel chair, but here I was, down in a chair  while feeling on top of the world!

I wish I could explain how or truly why my whole depression was lifted so immediately and dramatically, but the only answer I can give is that we were completely surrounded...

by angels...

I know that my mom was guided in every step she took to cheer me up that day, and not just to lift my burden to but to lighten my mind and heart. I had so many reasons to be happy, I mean, if you've followed me on instagram or facebook you darn well all the things I have to be happy about.

I hadn't told my mom about the heaviness I felt in my heart because of the memory loss I have been facing the last while, yet she was inspired to bring her guitar and we sang songs that triggered memories I thought were lost.

I didn't tell my mom that I just needed me time because I didn't realize I did and she completely focused on me all of her attention and energy.

I didn't know that jokingly sitting on Santa's lap at the mall with my mom and telling him what I wanted for Christmas would be so therapeutic, but it brought back that child-like trust and innocently honest joy I hadn't felt in so long.

I would never have admitted that I secretly hold a little hope in every fortune cookie I open, but to read the particular one that we opened at our little lunch we shared together at the mall's food court would be so revealing and heart-warming as it was. I took a picture of it to remember it and I have noticed since then that I have taken photos of the fortune cookies I open and and inspired by.

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I wish I would have written every tiny detail down that day so that I would remember every moment of what made that day so special, but I am happy that I took a few videos that I excitedly shared with the facebook world. I'm positive that those who watched my facebook live post of my mom and I singing our hearts out, laughing and joking together that they were witnessing the healing of someone before their very eyes.

Everything after this point was seen through different eyes, felt by a renewed heart and heard by blessed ears.

Yes, our basement is still in total disarray as we wait way too long for the company to come and finish the job.

I'm learning to cook on "BROIL" in our broken oven and realizing all the fancy settings our microwave has.

I was out of my boot sooner after surgery than I thought I would be and was able to volunteer in the kids' classes before Christmas and that was such a joy!

The humility of accepting financial help was softened as I realized the blessings people were receiving for helping us in our time of need.

"When it rains, it pours."

That's what they say.

I always try to say, "Then sink or swim."

Now I know that I have to just accept that sometimes I am completely surrounded by the storms of life, but at that same time I am completely surrounded by angels, heavenly and earthly, who are ready to help me swim, or even float to until the storms die down, or sometimes, in my case, keep my head above the water long enough to see the light through the darkness of depression.

by Jessie (my sister)

A wise man, whom I love, admire and respect, passed away this week. In an article I read about him was this quote and it seemed to fit my blog entry today:

"My counsel for all of us is to look to the lighthouse of the Lord," he once said. "There is no fog so dense, no night so dark, no gale so strong, no mariner so lost but what its beacon light can rescue. It beckons through the storms of life. The lighthouse of the Lord sends forth signals readily recognized and never failing."

— Thomas S. Monson (LDS prophet Feb. 2008 - Jan. 2018)