Completely Surrounded

Have you ever heard the saying, "When it rains, it pours"?

If you haven't, well, it's not exactly referring to actual weather, but to trials, tribulations or hardships... you know, saying that it can't just be one, but many that seem to come all at once or in immediate succession.

I've heard this reference my whole life for one reason or other.

I use it myself a lot.

Well, for the last while I felt completely surrounded by rain. I used to be able to honestly laugh about the ridiculousness of the piling on of trials, but somewhere around July of 2017, I lost it.

I was good at faking the laugh, the humor, the ironic insinuations, but I was truly letting it, deep down, take its toll.

Completely surrounded.

Behavior issues rising for one kid, new obsessions for the other while aggressiveness and oppositional, defiant attitudes are in another.

Stress over Brother's guardianship--the cost and the endeavor.

How to get Brother and whether to get Brother on his Cheer Competition trip AND his choir tour with the heavy-laden-guilt pushing on our shoulders that this may be his only opportunity for this type of peer interaction and activity for the rest of his entire life!

Surgery on my ankle that I had been trying to avoid for almost 9 months was impending and the preparations to be made beforehand were daunting and overwhelming.

Two weeks or so before my surgery our dishwasher broke. Because of our financial situation we decided we could just do dishes by hand and that we would just use paper plates and cups after my surgery to cut down on Marc's responsibilities.

Two days before my surgery we discovered that our basement had had a slow leak from our water softener that had caused mold problems and required repair and clean-up. This was a cost that was just adding to our legal costs for guardianship and the costs for my surgery on top of the costs for Brother's upcoming high school excursions.

One week post surgery the company coming to clean up our mold problem found that it was more extensive than originally perceived and was going to take more time and more space and was going to encroach on our children's routine and comfort level.

Two weeks post surgery and I ended up in the Emergency Room for unexplained severe pain that no one could help me with so the following morning my mom rushed me to the doctor and we forced our way into the office to be seen only to find out that the doctor hadn't given me the necessary things needed for proper healing at my recent 2-week follow-up appointment. Upon hearing of my situation my sister-in-law, Chelsea, came to the rescue with food and cleaning and keeping kids happy when we realized (after Chelsea was trying to cook bread sticks to go with her home-made chili) that our oven was broken. So now half my kitchen was caput.

Because of the meds I was using for post surgery I wasn't able to rely on my fake sense of humor and I was going down quickly.

Having to talk to the lawyer during this time about all the reasons that Brother could not take care of himself after age 18 didn't help out my depressive situation either.

Sounds like such a drag, huh.

I mean, I can barely read through it.

I hate hearing about all the trials people go through.

It wears me out.

But, that's the thing, I've only been telling you about being surrounded by the rain, the trials, the tribulations, the broken appliances and mold.

But now I want you to see the other side of this long drawn-out few months of never-ending struggle.

You see, really, we were completely surrounded by ...

angels.

Completely.

Surrounded.

By Angels.

Angels everywhere.

Friends set-up a fundraiser to help raise funds for Brother's high school activities and money was raised by other friends and family so fast that we were able to pay all of his way for both trips!

Visits with our wonderful pediatrician shone hope for our kids with different ideas for meds and behavior ideas.

Miraculously we have one of the few home insurances that covered mold caused by an inside leak and all we had to pay was our deductible. To top of that blessing of good insurance, our deductible for the mold removal and restoration was paid for by an angel that I hope will be continually blessed for their generosity.

We had an angel buy a used, but awesome, dishwasher for us to replace our broken one after 2 months of doing dishes by hand.

Because of all the angelic caregivers we have who love our children I was able to arrange for plenty of help for the kids so that I could heal from the surgery.

The night I was in so much pain post surgery our dear friend ran over to help Marc give me a Priesthood blessing of healing. I was shortly after relieved enough of pain that we were able to get to the ER without too much of a scene.

My Sister, Kirsten came and painted my toes all fancy

Documenting progress

I was able to find lawyers for our guardianship case that were lower-cost than most and I also found out that Brother's lawyer has ties to people here in our neighborhood and helped me feel more comfortable about the whole situation.

Sadly, my depression was still in full swing and I was starting to lose hope as this seemed to be the longest period of depression I had gone through with no sign of the end insight, and as silly as it sounds, my depression deepened because I couldn't pull myself out of the darkness I was in even while so many people were doing everything they could to lighted our burdens and take upon themselves our heavy load.

Then there was the day of the wheel chair...

My mom turned my whole life around by a simple wheel-chair escapade to the mall.

That day is where my whole world flipped and I was able to finally, truly smile again, with all the honesty I had, and laugh from the heart and feel love for myself again and exploding love for my mom and all my family.

I never pictured myself laughing with my heart full of love while I was pushed around the mall in a wheel chair, but here I was, down in a chair  while feeling on top of the world!

I wish I could explain how or truly why my whole depression was lifted so immediately and dramatically, but the only answer I can give is that we were completely surrounded...

by angels...

I know that my mom was guided in every step she took to cheer me up that day, and not just to lift my burden to but to lighten my mind and heart. I had so many reasons to be happy, I mean, if you've followed me on instagram or facebook you darn well all the things I have to be happy about.

I hadn't told my mom about the heaviness I felt in my heart because of the memory loss I have been facing the last while, yet she was inspired to bring her guitar and we sang songs that triggered memories I thought were lost.

I didn't tell my mom that I just needed me time because I didn't realize I did and she completely focused on me all of her attention and energy.

I didn't know that jokingly sitting on Santa's lap at the mall with my mom and telling him what I wanted for Christmas would be so therapeutic, but it brought back that child-like trust and innocently honest joy I hadn't felt in so long.

I would never have admitted that I secretly hold a little hope in every fortune cookie I open, but to read the particular one that we opened at our little lunch we shared together at the mall's food court would be so revealing and heart-warming as it was. I took a picture of it to remember it and I have noticed since then that I have taken photos of the fortune cookies I open and and inspired by.

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I wish I would have written every tiny detail down that day so that I would remember every moment of what made that day so special, but I am happy that I took a few videos that I excitedly shared with the facebook world. I'm positive that those who watched my facebook live post of my mom and I singing our hearts out, laughing and joking together that they were witnessing the healing of someone before their very eyes.

Everything after this point was seen through different eyes, felt by a renewed heart and heard by blessed ears.

Yes, our basement is still in total disarray as we wait way too long for the company to come and finish the job.

I'm learning to cook on "BROIL" in our broken oven and realizing all the fancy settings our microwave has.

I was out of my boot sooner after surgery than I thought I would be and was able to volunteer in the kids' classes before Christmas and that was such a joy!

The humility of accepting financial help was softened as I realized the blessings people were receiving for helping us in our time of need.

"When it rains, it pours."

That's what they say.

I always try to say, "Then sink or swim."

Now I know that I have to just accept that sometimes I am completely surrounded by the storms of life, but at that same time I am completely surrounded by angels, heavenly and earthly, who are ready to help me swim, or even float to until the storms die down, or sometimes, in my case, keep my head above the water long enough to see the light through the darkness of depression.

by Jessie (my sister)

A wise man, whom I love, admire and respect, passed away this week. In an article I read about him was this quote and it seemed to fit my blog entry today:

"My counsel for all of us is to look to the lighthouse of the Lord," he once said. "There is no fog so dense, no night so dark, no gale so strong, no mariner so lost but what its beacon light can rescue. It beckons through the storms of life. The lighthouse of the Lord sends forth signals readily recognized and never failing."

— Thomas S. Monson (LDS prophet Feb. 2008 - Jan. 2018)